Was anybody going to to tell me that there was a stage in toddlerhood more brutal than “terrible two’s“? Sanai was actually pretty tolerable around 2-3 y/o, which is probably why this current stage is kicking my butt. I’m not talking about the stage where she throws a little tantrum because she can’t wear her favorite dress everyday. I’m talking about the outright rebellion against anything she doesn’t feel like doing at the moment. I’m talking about the blatant issue with rules and structure. I’m talking about the utter defiance at any given moment.
Lately, Sanai has been going through the very rebellious and defiant stage that I’m speaking of above. She cries out hysterically when she doesn’t have her way and will outright ignore any request to do anything other than what she wants to do. A few weeks ago, her teacher made a comment about her having behavioral issues and I will be honest, I was very defensive. To be frank, I was offended that she even requested an urgent meeting about it. My thoughts were: first and foremost, Sanai is a child. I felt like the behavior her teacher was describing was that of any other 4-year-old. To go even further, Sanai never exhibited any of the behavior at home that her teacher spoke about. I would never completely discount the teacher’s observations because we respect her opinion. So, we addressed these issues with Sanai and made some small changes. After that, we thought we solved the problem and we moved on.
Fast forward a couple weeks after that conversation, Sanai went to Tennessee to spend a few weeks with my mom and my brother’s family. Now let me preface this with some insight: my mom is easily the most patient and understanding person I’ve ever met. I’ve almost never seen her break a sweat or be in a panic- her response is always prayer. The tub could be overflowing, dinner could be on the stove burning, and 10 babies could be crying. You would find my mother swiftly and calmly moving through the house putting out fires, one by one. So, when my mother called me to tell me that Sanai was having some of the same behavioral issues her teacher mentioned previously, I knew I had a problem. My mom said verbatim “I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’ve never seen her like this.” Immediately I panicked. My mom told me that she would be fine, but I knew I needed to be with Sanai in that moment. So, we cut our kid free vacation short and drove up to Tennessee to get her. Remember that?
When we got home, we instantly noticed the changes. It was like Sanai morphed into this new person and we somehow missed it. Of course, it wasn’t completely out of control, but the behavioral changes were becoming more and more evident, and it left me in a state of worry and confusion. As a matter of fact, minutes before I wrote this blog post, I pulled her out of class and sent her upstairs to her room because she was disrupting her class (and me, as I was downstairs in my office working).
Admittedly, I feel embarrassed typing this because never in a million years did I think “Type A Courtney” would be dealing with a defiant toddler. My natural instinct as the average black mom is to spank her butt like our mothers and grandmothers used to do when we got out of hand. But then I realized that the spanking really didn’t work in the long term because it only hurts in the moment. And while we’re on the topic, I am anti child abuse, but I am not opposed to disciplining your child. If that happens to be a spanking here or there when warranted, then I am okay with that, as long as it isn’t excessive.
So, should I spank her again? Should I take her iPad? Should I take her toys? Should I make her go to bed early every day? This is the constant question in my head. If you think I have the answer based off the title of this post, I’m sorry I misled you. I can’t tell you how to discipline your child, I can only do what works for me. And I’m still figuring that out. While I may pop her hand every now and then, I don’t think spanking her, in this instance, would work.
I’m no expert, but I think the best bet is to discipline your child based on what they will respond to. Sanai loves to be around people, so restricting that will help teach her a lesson. She loves her iPad, so taking that will help teach her a lesson. She loves seeing all her pretty dresses in her armoire, so taking those will help teach her a lesson. I plan to do all those things. But more importantly, I will explain to her why she is being disciplined. I will explain to her why acceptable behavior is a non negotiable. I know “explaining yourself to a child” sounds silly to some people. It’s me, I’m some people. I didn’t think I would be explaining myself to my child.
You know what I’ve learned? She is not just a child. She is a human with her own mind, her own personality, her own thoughts, and her own characteristics. How can I expect her to grow up into a kind, communicative, understanding, and respectable human if I don’t help her understand right from wrong? This has been a struggle. But I will struggle until I don’t anymore to ensure she understands how much I love her and want to raise her to be the best Sanai she can be.
Motherhood is hard but God made us for this. We are not alone. We are in this together. I hope this resonated with someone! Let me know if you can relate to this below.
Xo, Courtney
Yikes. I cried a couple weeks ago. And went into prayer and made myself deal with the personality of Jade blossoming and not sit it on a shelf in denial until I felt it necessary. By first letting her explain to me The Who, what, when, where, and how of her actions and in conversation asked if I did that to her in front of her teacher or school friends how would she feel and she cried. And I explained that’s exactly how I feel. And moving forward if you need a moment say it. But the errors of others behaviors challenging me with them I won’t tolerate that trial. Ask me or explain to me what you saw and I’ll correct what is acceptable and what isn’t. But we don’t drag behaviors home to see if it’s plausible. Allow the moments. My new thing is this or that toy got the bad virus from you and it has to quarantine until your behavior improves. Good luck. And the legal term is chastise. And I believe in it. But because it’s a moment of hurt. The think about timeout it in the middle of the floor with nothing but her thoughts and what she think her punishment should be works wonders on my end.
Omg, this is amazing advice! It really is. The virus and quarantine is genius. I will absolutely use this and see if it works. Thank you so much, sis!
Mannnnn! This hit home for real. Granted there were subtle changes, but I swear after after Jai got a hair cut it was like he changed into a different kid. Jas and I have really been trying to work on his attitude and behavior but he is a very strong willed child so it’s going to take more work. We’ve been doing the explanation of why he’s getting punished but sometimes it can be so frustrating. Glad we are not alone in trying to parent differently… well recognizing that our children will need a different approach to discipline.
Let’s switch! Y’all take Sanai and I’ll take nephew. And let’s reconvene in a week. Deal?
While my son is far from a toddler (13 years old), I am learning every day how to parent him in the way he needs. Just when you think you’ve found a solution, you then find that you have to tweek it.
You are doing an amazing job! Just keep loving her through the chaos.
Thank you so much! I needed those words to keep me sane!
Wow! Quality read. I have had similar challenges but with my 3 year old son.
A similar approach to what you shared works for my wife and I. Thanks for the transparency! The best is yet to come! #Grateful