My alarm goes off at 6am. I hit snooze until about 6:15am. I wake up and check my email and respond to those that need immediate attention. I get out of bed, I shower, I brush my teeth. I rummage through my closet and find something to put on. I lay Sanai’s clothes out for Richard to dress her. I go down stairs and get her bag ready for school. I come back upstairs and do my makeup. Richard gets ready. We leave the house. We drop Sanai off to school. We go to work. Richard works overtime. I work all day. I stumble out of the office. I pray there isn’t too much rush hour traffic so I can pick Sanai up from school on time. I cringe when I get there and she’s the last baby to be picked up. I get home. I play with Sanai. I feed her and get her ready for bed. I tidy up. I make dinner. Richard comes home. We eat. We watch a TV show. We shower. We go to bed. My alarm goes off at 6am.
This is my life. This is my routine. This is what I do. Every. Single. Day. And yes, it gets exhausting. I get in a space where I feel like everything I do is for everyone else, but nothing is really for Courtney. 100% of the time, I am so focused on Sanai having everything she needs. Is she developing how she should be? Am I playing with her enough? Am I reading to her enough? Am I practicing walking with her enough? Is she independent enough? Then I think about Richard. What am I going to cook for dinner? Did I meal prep enough food for him to eat throughout the week? Did I pick my dress up off the bathroom floor? Am I showing him enough affection? Are we having sex enough? Then I think about work. Did I respond to that email? Did I ship that Atlanta promotional material to my client? Did I send out the event memo? Did I send off the permit for the street pole banners? Did I finish the Super Bowl Venue Catalog? All of these thoughts consume my mind. But you know what doesn’t consume my mind? Have you done anything lately for Courtney??
I’ve found that as women, we are so conditioned to carry the weight of the world. We answer all the questions, we fix all the problems, we right all the wrongs. We do everything in our power to make sure those around us are taken care of, often forgetting to take care of ourselves. I haven’t been on a vacation in over 2 years. I haven’t had a full day completely to myself since before Sanai was born. There’s this new spa that I want to try. There’s this vineyard I’ve been dying to go to. There’s this restaurant I’ve been hearing about. And I would kill to even dip my toe in some sand at a beach. At this rate, any beach would suffice. But I haven’t even begun to plan out any of these things because I’m so focused on how it will affect those around me. Will my sitter be available? Can Richard take the time off to watch Sanai? Will he be offended if I say I just want a weekend alone? Is my work schedule going to be too busy? Do I have a major group coming in town? All of these things stop me from doing what I really want to do for Courtney. To trick my mind, I’ll treat myself to some home decor or some fall scented candles and call that “self care.” Yes, you read right. The only thing I’ve treated myself to are some damn candles. Now I have enough candles to last me all year…and I still feel empty.
I want to go somewhere. I want to do something. I want to just pretend like I’m the only person in my world, just for a weekend. Does that make me a bad mom? Does that make me a bad girlfriend? I used to think so. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. Taking care of myself allows for me to take care of my family. A happy Courtney equals a happy Richard and a happy Sanai. I cant give my family the love, support, and nurturing they need if my cup isn’t full. The bottom line is simple: YOU CAN’T POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP. You have to take care of you before you can take care of someone else, children and spouses included. So at some point in the very near future, I’m going to plan something for me. I’m not going to think about it too much, I’m just going to do it. And I’ll be happy. And my family will be happy. And life will be good. Scratch that, life is already good…so life will be great!
Here’s my challenge to my ladies: Go do something for YOU! Go on vacation. Splurge on a bag. Buy some new makeup. Try a new restaurant. Go on a girls trip. Do something. Do anything. Anything that makes you feel full. That way you have enough to give your loved ones…and enough for yourself too.